Ugh. Just ugh.

Have you ever felt so hopelessly useless that you just want to crawl under your bed and live like a hermit for the rest of your life? Yeah, me too. Right now. I just found out that I failed every class I took at college this semester. I was expecting to fail most of them because I stopped going to them, but I went to a couple and thought I was doing alright. Apparently I was wrong about that. I never fail classes. I don't ever just stop going to class. I just.... I lost the will to get up. I lost the drive to do something with my life. I've just been stuck in this funk for the past few months and I can't figure out how to get out of it. I don't know if I'm depressed or just unmotivated. I just can't manage to get off my ass and do anything with myself. I want to. I just can't. I feel like I'm stuck in this hole and I can't climb out and it's making me miserable.
I know that I want to do. I want to act. I want to sing. I want to work hard at something that I love. I want to fall in love. But I'm stuck in this fucking rut, just pacing back and forth. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't even do the silly, unimportant things I used to love anymore. I used to read or watch YouTube videos or write when I was bored or uninspired and it would fix me right up. I can't even do that now. When I try to write creatively, I just stare at a blank page forever until I give up. Any books I've tried reading can't hold my attention for more than a few minutes.
I haven't been sleeping well either. I just stay up all night and then, when I finally fall asleep, I only sleep for a couple of hours and then I'm exhausted all day. Then, even though I'm super tired, I can't sleep again at night. And the circle continues, unbroken.
I could go on, but I'm losing my motivation to even write this. I don't even know if I'm going to post it. Not like it really matters if I do. Nobody reads these stupid blogs anyway. I don't care though. They're just to get my thinkings out of my head and into someplace that's more manageable and less crowded.
Maybe I'll figure myself out soon. Maybe I won't. I guess time will tell.

I have crappy luck with roommates.

I haven't had much luck with roommates since I started college. My first roommate was a girl I went to high school with and was friends with. I thought it would work out well, since we already knew each other. I was pretty wrong. Everything started out alright and we hung out and ate together and stuff. It was fun. But then she went all weird and stopped wanting to do stuff with me. Then, at the end of the semester, she moved out without even telling me. So I got a new roommate, this time someone I'd never met. She came by and introduced herself to me before Winter Break and we clicked instantly. We liked some of the same books and tv shows and movies and I thought things would go well. Wrong again, Emily. Just like the first time, things went well at first. We ate together and watched movies all night and talked about whatever we wanted to. Then, Spring Break came. After that, she was with her boyfriend 24/7 and I hardly saw her. When she was around, I started noticing things about her that I hadn't noticed before. She was pretty self-centered and would tell me all day and night about her problems, but when I needed to talk about something, she wouldn't even pay any attention. She acted like what I was saying was boring and of no importance. Just recently, she told me about some problems that she was having with her boyfriend, but just last night, when she thought I was asleep (I wasn't because she was being ridiculously loud on Skype with her friends at 3:00 in the morning), she was saying the exact opposite of what she told me to her friends AND HER BOYFRIEND. So she's a liar as well. Great.

All I need to do is hold out for the rest of the week and then it's Move Out Day and I'll never have to see her again. Thank goodness. I just can't take this anymore.

Heh, this is such a first world problem, but I don't care. This is MY blog and I'll talk about what I wanna talk about, dammit.

Books.

Have you ever been so full of emotion that you have to grab hold of something and hug it or cling to it for dear life? For most people, the thing you would grab would be soft and comforting, like a stuffed animal or a blankie or a beloved pet. Not me, though. No sir. No, when I'm feeling sad and need to cling to something like a baby possum clings to it's mama, I grab a book. There's something so sturdy about books that I find so comforting. When I feel like I'm about to fall off the edge of my emotions, I know I can rely on the solidity of a book to help me keep my feet and clear my head. I don't even need to be reading the book. As long as I can feel the weight of the book in my hands, I feel better almost instantly. This works especially well with older books or books I've read a million times, like the Harry Potter series. With every single one of my Harry Potter books, you can see the wear and tear that the years have given to them. But with all that comes the knowledge that I have previously and will always find comfort within those pages. And that's a beautiful thing.

-Emily