Have you ever felt so hopelessly useless that you just want to crawl under your bed and live like a hermit for the rest of your life? Yeah, me too. Right now. I just found out that I failed every class I took at college this semester. I was expecting to fail most of them because I stopped going to them, but I went to a couple and thought I was doing alright. Apparently I was wrong about that. I never fail classes. I don't ever just stop going to class. I just.... I lost the will to get up. I lost the drive to do something with my life. I've just been stuck in this funk for the past few months and I can't figure out how to get out of it. I don't know if I'm depressed or just unmotivated. I just can't manage to get off my ass and do anything with myself. I want to. I just can't. I feel like I'm stuck in this hole and I can't climb out and it's making me miserable.
I know that I want to do. I want to act. I want to sing. I want to work hard at something that I love. I want to fall in love. But I'm stuck in this fucking rut, just pacing back and forth. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't even do the silly, unimportant things I used to love anymore. I used to read or watch YouTube videos or write when I was bored or uninspired and it would fix me right up. I can't even do that now. When I try to write creatively, I just stare at a blank page forever until I give up. Any books I've tried reading can't hold my attention for more than a few minutes.
I haven't been sleeping well either. I just stay up all night and then, when I finally fall asleep, I only sleep for a couple of hours and then I'm exhausted all day. Then, even though I'm super tired, I can't sleep again at night. And the circle continues, unbroken.
I could go on, but I'm losing my motivation to even write this. I don't even know if I'm going to post it. Not like it really matters if I do. Nobody reads these stupid blogs anyway. I don't care though. They're just to get my thinkings out of my head and into someplace that's more manageable and less crowded.
Maybe I'll figure myself out soon. Maybe I won't. I guess time will tell.
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